Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You are the jesus of drinking
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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