All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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