capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
