Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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