I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
