So drunk, too bad you don't want this
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
