Don't make out with my wife yet
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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