I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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