I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
