Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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