there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
