I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
