pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
