I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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