I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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