what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
