I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
