Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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