I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
