Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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