i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
