There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize