I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
