every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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