the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
