Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
