you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
