So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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