I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
