My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
