Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
