i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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