VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
