I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I pour the whiskey from now on
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
