i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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