Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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