elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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