I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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