Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
youre lurking in front of me
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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