Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
