cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
