got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
