How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
