I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My penis needs a shock collar
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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