I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
