So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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