If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
