the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was born a porn star she said
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The power of my boobs compel you
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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