...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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