I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
