i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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