My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
