I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
