Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
