I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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