Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
