You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
