Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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