someone threw a dead crab at me
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
3pm strippers are depressing
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
