p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
