I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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