your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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