I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize